Here it is!

Finally, I found the quote that eloquently sums up every awkward holiday dinner conversation I've had in the last three years!

"Of all the preposterous assumptions of humanity over humanity, nothing exceeds most of the criticisms made on the habits of the poor by the well-housed, well- warmed, and well-fed." --Herman Melville

Uh. . .wow.

Turn off the cell phone.

Rules of Order

I've already deviated from the habits and routines that get me safely through my morning. Here are the ones I've bonked already:

1. Pack lunch the night before and have it waiting in a plastic shopping bag to grab and take to work. Skipped that, then I was off to a slow start.

2. Check tire pressure and fill up if necessary. Didn't do it, and I can feel each rough edge of the rock salt scattered on the sidewalks. If my tire pressure gets any lower, I'll be rocking on the rims. Not good.

3. Shower at work, not at home. This is my stank-avoidance technique and it's worked like a charm. But the prospect of another cold shower at work made me stagger into my sauna-like bathroom to enjoy some warm water for a change.

The result: I arrive at work a sweaty, stinky mess and take what George Carlin impolitely calls a "hooker's bath." Not quite as stank-defying.

4. Avoid discussing religion and politics at work. This is a biggy. Some will tell you that you're allowed to speak your mind to your coworkers. True.

The same people will insist that speaking your mind is "just a discussion" and shouldn't offend anybody or set you up for a stone-cold shunning if your views are unpopular among, say, the mega-church going; flag-worshipping; mall-walking set. False. Very false.

I just told a co-worker my views on the Pledge of Allegiance and coerced vows of loyalty. Oops. Shunned.

The Best Weapon

From the WSJ Law blog comments section:

Law abiding citizens do best when they have the BEST tool for self defense, a handgun. A handgun is the great equalizer, it makes a 110lb woman equal to a 250lb man.

Hmmm, and people have always told me that karate was the best defense. . .shoot.

Big Deals in the History of Food

This list was pretty cool.

Remember in Back to the Future III when Doc Brown makes the first refrigerator with ice cube dispenser? Well, looks like someone beat him to the punch by approximately 26 years (check #9 on the list). So many anachronisms in those movies. . .

They Ain't Robbing 'cause They're Too Smart to Work. . .

Thug calls girlfriend on stolen cellphone, linking him to various armed robberies. I bet his buddy with murder charges waiting in Chicago was really pumped.

Cue the Music

Mr. Perfect's entrance music ran through my head as I made a culinary triumph last night: I cooked an edible fried egg.



For those of you who've burned, maimed, and otherwise destroyed every egg that touches your skillet, here's what I did:

Take a nonstick skillet and set it over the lowest possible heat for 5 minutes. Add 1 tbsp of cold butter and swirl it around the pan. Add 2 eggs, then two more. Cover and let cook for 3 to 4 minutes. Uncover, and you've got the perfect fried egg. I nearly cried.

The Law According to Homer

A judge in Cincinnati used a Homer Simpson quote in the footnotes of his ruling on a contract.

Killing them with Gross BBQ Sauce

I had a job interview yesterday and part of it included a 10 minute presentation on the topic of my choice. I chose "How to Make a Pulled Pork Sandwich." My audience seemed to like my presentation well enough--I served samples. Then I packed up everything and planned to eat the leftovers later for dinner. I didn't even think about whether it would taste good. . .

Well, when it came time for us to eat the pulled pork--the same stuff I served my potential future employer--the lady friend and I both gagged. I had made some last minute substitutions to the recipe and they made it inedible. I can only hope that the buns masked the taste for my audience. . .yikes.

Descended from Bears

Today's temperature during my bike ride into work: 22 degrees.

The shower at work isn't connected to the hot water heater, so after riding 40 minutes through the cold, I hopped into a cold shower. Having only towelled off after yesterday's rides, I needed a thorough washing.

After 10 minutes in the shower, I stepped out only to realize that the backroom in which they've cubby-holed the shower isn't heated, and, in fact, is colder than the cold shower stall.

I began this morning routine last week after getting sick of showering at home and smelling terrible when I got to work. At first, the cold shower made me hyperventilate and break out in goosebumps all over. But now I just take it in stride without severe physical reactions or excessive whining.

Perks

What the heck kind of perk is this?

Laugh it Off

I don't really understand what's funny about poverty. I really don't. But so many of the people I talk to think their income--or lack of one, in most cases--is funny. Hilarious, to some.

One lady today, I asked her if she made less than approx $1200 gross per month. She laughs for like 30 seconds, then says, "$1200 a month? Try a year--and I still make less than that!" More laughs.

How does that work? Less than $1200 per year? The answer: foodstamps, energy assistance and income adjusted housing. You get up, turn on free lights and eat free food. Sit around, go to the library, do whatever. That's how you stretch $1200 over a year.

But what's funny about that?

Autoadmit is like the Iowa Primary?

There's an interview with the person who hacked Autoadmit and outed some of the more, uh, colorful posters there.

What grabbed my attention was the last paragraph of the article, which you can read here.

Again, more first in the nation envy. . .

For Some Reason

This just tickles me. . .

Wizard of Oz (en espanol)

This might be Spain's fiercest export.

Well, It's Official

We should all ditch the walrus suits. What am I going to do with this 3 lb beef roast in my kitchen?